Facebook Can Make You Feel Smarter!

One good thing about having a sprained ankle and lying in bed all day long -except for compulsory intermissions due to corporeal requirements which actually can be avoided if one does not mind unsanitariness- is that it gets you to waste time in ways that you never had time to before. Even though I'm an ardent follower of the "fall-behind-early-so-that-you-have-more-time-to-catch-up" école, I've recently realized that I've been missing a lot of action on Facebook, the prominent contemporary procrastination tool. I'm not gonna talk about the cliché procrastination method that boys use to increase the circulatory system functions in their tools and girls use to boost their already-excessive abbr. language skills that is "checking others photos and commenting on those photos," or to deploy a more legally detrimental language, "stalking." I've been doing that, and frankly, it has become a tedious task for me, especially due to the long-awaited increase in the # of easy-access streaming video websites that touch the human body and soul in a very deep place.

To cut a long story short, what I want to say is this: There are many Facebook applications. That is just "stating the obvious" for many of you, so I'm going to say this to top that: There are some Facebook applications that make you feel you're smart and you're actually not totally wasting your time. Get ready, because I'll blow you away.

1. Airline Manager: This app is your perfect Microeconomics 101 alternative. You start an airline company (and partly satisfy your "I'll have a start-up company" dreams), you buy airplanes, you establish real-time routes, you invest in other people's airline companies via stocks etc. There is a demand function for certain routes, and you don't need to take any derivatives to derive that function! In your face, Prof. Chan! So light up your cigar (or pipe if you're using Facebook in English (UK)), lean back on your leather chair that you bought from IKEA (or your free gift-from-college wooden smelly chair that will give you unbearable backaches after a certain period of time) and enjoy your time as your company grows to top every single other loser's on Facebook! When your company value increases to an unimaginable zillion-digit number, you can talk about this experience of yours in your job interviews and you'll definitely land a job, just like your airplanes land every hour of the day in every single country in this effing world. Hell yeah!

2. Bubble Spinner: Tired of the classic "bubble shooter" game where you, without any significant encephalic activity, just aim at bubbles and shoot them? (The name sort of gives it away, but anyways.) This one is for you, 'coz the bubbles are spinning! (Again, the name, oh well.) Here's the trick, you now actually have to think about your next move! It's like a Real Time Strategy game, but unlike others that take a lot of your time , this one doesn't! You're as happy as a clueless kid that does kid stuff and as smart as a strategic planner that plans! (And I apologize for the excessive use of exclamations, I just cannot hold back my excitement.)

-Now forgive me for I will spin some bubbles for 15 minutes. I'll be back.-

3. Flixster (Movies): OK, for this one, you can actually do sorta useful stuff like rate movies and recommend them etc., but there are a zillion sites that you can do that, like IMDB and shit. The highlight of this application is that there is a quiz! And this quiz is da shit because, unlike others that end in seconds and tell you which country you most likely are from as if you don't know that or which celebrity you're most likely to kiss as if Brad Pitt is gonna kiss your ugly-ass face or unseductive ass, this is a "never-ending" quiz. Interminable, if you please. You can show others your immense knowledge of movies and at the same time acquire more knowledge about movies to contribute to your already-existing immense knowledge and so on. (A lot of knowledge in there already, see?) Sounds like an incredible deal, right? Well, because it is so! At your next date, boast about the fact that you know which actress starred in which movie or which actor said which line in which movie and sound like a total jackass/nerd. Who cares? You know stuff.

4. Scrabulous: Thus far Scrabble was a game where two to four people got together and had fun and socialized. Scrabulous eliminates all those unnecessary actions like getting together and socializing that you had to endure to play a brilliant game like Scrabble! In Scrabulous, you can also cheat as you please and the other "online" players won't have the slightest clue! When you type in "kakidrosis", the others will be like "Dude, what the hell is that? How do you know that?" and you'll be like "I'm spending my time with guys like you, so I should know, right?" and then they won't be able to punch you because you're not physically together. (that is, unless telekinesis is real and they can do it)

Scrabulous: Be a total douche while playing Scrabble and avoid being hit in the face.

5. Restaurant City: You're a college student that goes to a fancy school as your father spends thousands of dollars, and you're feeling bad for it. What would cheer you up? Employing your friends' asses in your restaurant français, bien sûr! This game does not just give you the plaisir of running a gourmet restaurant respected by all the food gurus in town and all the Ivy Leaguers on the East Coast and other miserable college students who are not elite enough to enjoy the food you serve, but you can also make your friends your garçon, chef, or hot waitress that will do anything for a bigger portion of the tip pool. Monsieur Anderson, you rock my table!

6. Friends for Sale: Hmm, I see that making your friends work unreasonable hours wasn't just enough fun for you. Well, I have one more thing that will make you jizz in your pants. You can actually own your friends! Not like in a "I own yo' ass yo!" way, like you can actually own your friends. And sell them. I can barely resist the temptation to make jokes that reference the unfortunate era in the history of this beloved country we live in, so I'll just shut up at this point. You get the idea, though, I presume.

7. Know-it-All Trivia: You got an A- in your Anthropology class that you're taking as it is your concentration [read Major if you don't go to Harvard] requirement, but your roommate, who is just a free-rider and taking the class just because you do and asked you for help in every single problem set got an A! Wow. You should be so furious and envious right now. I got your cure. Challenge him to a trivia contest! Show him who's the boss! Show him that you got the brains and he can only kiss your white anthropological ass! Yeah! Yeah! And if you're about to lose in this game as well, you can just quit and blame the crappy Wireless connection that your college dorm has. Kudos to you for a revenge well taken!

So tonight, before you go to bed, instead of futile endeavors like pleasure reading or any -ing alike, get busy with some real stuff. Dream of your planes and their pilots (totally depends on your fantasies), or the bubbles that you're gonna burst (figurative speech), or the asses you own (OK, I admit I'm an assaholic). You're smart. You have a paper due tomorrow that you haven't even started, so what? You're smart. You'll do it.